Kizzy

I realised this morning I actually have a week less to do my assignment than I thought. Which means I have to hand it in for feedback tomorrow.

Eek.

So I'm hard at work and hopefully have something half decent to email in the morning.

I've just made two cups of tea to keep me going. One didn't seem like it would be enough and I figured it saves me making two trips to the kitchen. Which is approx 2 metres from where I am sitting.

I stayed in work until half 8 working on my assignment. I went to the canteen to stock up on chocolate to keep me going and I saw the canteen boy. He was pushing someone in a wheelchair from one of the wards. I stood in the queue, playing with my hair, trying to catch his eye so I could say hello - classic flirting pose. He walked right past, inches from me and didn't even look my way. I might as well not have been there. Think he's a no go.

I've just been looking at some wedding photos on facebook.

Of a guy that I met via internet dating and went for a drink with last July.

Less than 8 months after our 'date', he has met the love of his life and married her. That's assuming he wasn't with her at the time, but a bit of strategic facebook investigation assures me he wasn't.

Yet another guy that has met the love of his life within weeks of a date with me.

Have seen 6 houses/flats so far and have decided to go for none of them.

Some were ok, but not quite right. It needs to be right. Somewhere I'm going to be happy for the forseeable future. Like 3-4 years. That'a a long time to live in a dump.

Of course, I could always move if I didn't like it. But that would be a hassle, one I don't have patience for.

So I'm still looking, though I doubt I'll get time to go see many over the next couple of weeks with everything else going on.

I knew this would happen. I was considering the possibility when I was faffing around trying to get ready this morning before giving up on my hair and not even attempting make up. I went to work looking particularly bonny, even by my usual standards. (I don't mean bonny in a good way).

I knew that as I hadn’t seen him when I purposefully straightened my hair and perfected my makeup, I was bound to when I looked like this.

And so I did.

Canteen Boy.

He didn't make eye contact. I didn't speak. I'm thinking this lack of communication may be our downfall.

I will blog about hols soon, honest. Not that there's much to say really.

Right now I'm tired and trying to do some of my coursework which I'm very behind with. Of course, I'm multi tasking and watching The Ringer too, which does not help.

But I feel like I need cheering up and Johnny Knoxville always does the trick. Even if he is acting like a retard.

I'm stressed at work, I'm stressed at home, and other than my suitcase strewn across my bedroom floor and the faint tan I have acquired in three days, my holiday seems like a distance memory already. Right back in the thick of it.

Ta-ra for now.

I'm back from the hen party in Benidorm.

And very tired.

Short (but sweet), just wanted to check in before I head off to bed.

Night.

Ah. The Weekend. And no work for over a week.

I have left my desk and my to do list in a somewhat messy state, but will have to deal with the consequences on my return. It's too sunny to care now, plus I'm off on holiday on Tuesday!!!Though I do have shit loads of course work to do, and that is slightly panicking me. Not enough for me to actually do it though.

Seen 4 houses this week. One I quite liked, and am going to see again with my Mam on Monday, along with another house and a flat. Though, the more I think about it, the more I'm talking myself out of the one that I'm going to see for a second time. It was a nice one bed terrace, but parking could be a nightmare, the front door opens right into the living room from the street, so sitting watching tv I'd be about 2 metres away from a stream of passing traffic. So maybe not ideal.

I have just seen an advert for another which looks quite good though, but the other side of town. I'm going to look it up on the map to see exactly where it is.

I stood looking at a bag for half an hour today and then went back to shop twice before deciding to buy it. And it was only £25. I can't make decisions such as where to live, I drive myself crazy thinking of all the pros and cons and then usually get myself into such a state I make a hasty decision and end up with a bad choice.

My day did not start well, I slept in until 20 to 9 - and I start work at 9. Then I got tons of work to do, and I'm on leave all next week.

Went to see a house to rent. It was ok, but the bathroom was downstairs and the front door opens right into the living room, which I don't like. I know my budget won't stretch to the perfect house but I don't just want to settle for somewhere I'm not sure about.

It has a garden, though most of it is taken up by two massive sheds so it's not really good for much. I wouldn't mind a garden, I'm picturing summer bbqs but it would probably never happen.

I told the woman I'm going to see another house on Friday. Turns out she lives right next door to the house I'm going to see!! So I could end up living next to her.

The one on friday is a one bedroom terrace, near the city centre. No garden, but that's not really a problem. I just want to find somewhere and then I can get everything sorted and settled.

Though I'm going back home on Friday after work and then on holiday after the weekend so it's not really good timing if I decide I like this place on Friday! Plus I'll probably spend the whole holiday wondering if I've picked the right place.

Though it may be a complete no-go so I really should wait before I start talking myself in or out of anything!

I got a random message on Facebook last night.

"Hey, the girl with the gloves who was following me on thursday! And now you're on my friend's facebook! Haha, did you have a good night?"

When I was out on Thursday, some guy let me in front of him in the queue at the bar. I kept bumping into him after that and he joked that I was following him. He was out with a guy I kind of know. He's obviously looked me up on his Facebook, even though I didn't even tell him my name or anything. Oh, and I was wearing the hooker gloves (which seemed to go down very well) hence me being referred to as the girl with the gloves.

The last time I saw this guy I was, erm, draped over the Divorced Man. Or maybe I was running away from the Animal. It's all a bit fuzzy.

Anyway, I replied, briefly, this morning. Not had any response yet.

At least I didn't bump into the EX this weekend. I expected to. Although chances are he is seeing someone and was enjoying a cosy weekend in. Which doesn't bear thinking about.

Divorced man was out last night. He seen me and looked a bit sheepish, before leaving with some girl. After trying to get me back to his on Thursday and ringing me at 2am Friday night/Saturday morning. I declined his offer and cancelled the call, which probably didn't go down well!

Easter's over, and it's back to work tomorrow.

Think I'll watch the Inbetweeners then get off to bed.

Didn't get up until dinnertime. As I didn't get home until 4.30am that's understandable.

Matthew. Not his real name, but as he thinks he looks like Matthew McConaughey me and my friends now call him Matthew. He's somewhat deluded, I wouldn't mind if he did look like this though:

He does have a decent body though, not an ounce of fat on him, and a rock hard stomach. Shame he's only short. He works out a lot - I first met him when he used to go to my old gym, I had a major crush for months and months. Then I got talking to him one night and the image I'd had in my head was shattered. It didn't stop me going with him a few weeks later though. That was two years ago, and since then we always talk when we see each other out. He's a nice guy, but a bit clueless and is always a bit too drunk whenever I see him. And typically, he knows the EX, the Animal and the Divorced Man (see Friday's post) all seperatly. Among others.

Last night was a let down, I don't think I'll be going there again. Though I believe I said that after the first time.

Oh ha ha, I've just checked Facebook and his status is '... has enjoyed his drunken weekend! But chil out time 4 a while now!'

Well that was disappointing. First sex of 2009 and I wish I'd not bothered. Should have saved myself. For what I'm unsure. He is a nice enough guy, I've been there before.

I should have learned my lesson then when he announced he thinks he looks like Matthew McConaughy. He doesn't.

A quick fumble in his mates spare room, then he loses interest half way through and decides he needs a wee. And as we only had one condom which he had to get off his mate, it was all over. He said he would wait for the taxi with me, but instead he fell asleep while I waited on a street corner under a lamp post looking like I was touting for business. Now I'm back at my parents house and in need of some sleep.

Night.

I have done a little bit of work today... go me!

I had to get up early to get my hair done, and ended up spending a fortune while I was in town. I did get a nice purple vest top and a big cream flower to go with a black skirt I bought the other day. That's my outfit for tomorrow night sorted. I got my Euros and travel insurance too, so at least I'm a little bit sorted for my holiday!!

I also had to buy easter presents. Honestly, it's not like it's christmas or anything, yet I've had to spend a small fortune on presents for my 7 neices and nephews. One of them is only 6 months old, he has no idea what day it is, let alone what easter is. But it's expected now. Only two are getting eggs, the rest small toys. My 2 year old neice was very impressed with her little peppa pig toy. And my mum did give me a couple of things she had stored away for such an occassion so I did save there.

I was trying - honestly - to do some work, when I got the overwhelming urge to be incredibly nosey on Facebook.

I have done hardy any of my assignment. But I have discovered that a girl I went to school with is going out with a guy more than twice her age. And that I have some fascination with finding out who people I haven't seen/spoken to in ages are going out with. All the more interesting if they are older/uglier than expected.

Also, one of my exes is back on FB again. The one who cries. His photo is hideous. This is going to sound cruel, but I can't believe I slept with that for nearly three years.

Yes, reading that back it sounds even worse than it did in my head. I'm just being honest though.

I think it's time to call it a night now. I have to go get my hair cut at 9.30 tomorrow. As I got caught up in traffic and missed yesterday's appointment. It took me nearly 2 hours to drive 45 miles.

Night night.

I keep remembering random things from last night. Like this random guy banged heads with me. I'm not sure which of us caused it, but he wandered off fine as if he'd not even noticed, and I stood there holding my head looking quite confused for a while. It bloody hurt. Divorced man offered no sympathy and after a minute or two of contemplation I decided to just dance it off. I don't have a bump but I am getting a bruise on my forehead. Which of course I keep poking.

So much for my plan to do at least five hours of work today. I'm just sitting down to it now, and as usual am finding lots of other more interesting things to do instead. But my talent for procrastination will come as no surprise, I'm sure.

Last night was very messy. Fun, but messy.

Quite a few of 'my men' were out last night. Five, in fact, all in the same bar. These are all past flings. If they can qualify as a fling. That just sounds a little bit better than calling them one night stands. And technically a couple lasted longer than one night. Two or three at least.

Divorced Man was out, we danced, (like idiots), we kissed a little, I resisted his requests to go back to his. In all honesty, I just couldn't be bothered. I get to a drunk stage where I just want to get into bed on my own and sleep it off. Plus, its not that I don't quite fancy a bit of fun right now, but I've already been there and it wasn't bad (it did get better) but it didn't really make me desperate for more.

Then there was the Animal. The nice, quiet lad that fools everyone until he gets them in his room. I'm not interested in him, it's just quite funny to wind him up. He bought me a drink, which I accepted, before turning round straight into Divorced Man and having a bit of a flirt with him. Turns out they know each other, which I discovered as they greeted each other over my head. I probably made a fool of myself, but it was very funny at the time flitting between the pair of them. I knew it was time to leave when Animal drunkenly slumped on me and tried to grope me. It was not attractive.

I had my fun then went home alone. Which was most definitly for the best.

Not only did I wake up quite rough this morning, but I had the post-night out guilt.

I spent £60 last night, which is getting to be about average for me. I can't afford to keep spending that much, and after 60 quid worth of drink, no wonder I'm feeling a bit delicate. I guess it's a sign I'm getting old when I start to think that money could have bought me half a fridge for my new (as yet non-existant) house. Oh well. I'll never learn. I'll say I won't spend that much when I go out on Sunday but I will.

The rest of the guilt comes from eating two tikka wraps. One would have been sufficient but two seemed like a good idea at the time. Though I have spewed at least one of them up this morning so I guess that solves that problem!

1. How many Easter Eggs have you got already?
I got a toblerone one off my parents and (technically not eggs though) I got 4 chocolate bunnies.

2. Will you go to church over the Easter period?
No, I don't go to church the rest of the time.

3. When you think of Easter what is your first thought?
Two bank holidays off work... closely followed by chocolate.

4. What is your favourite chocolate? White, milk, dark?
Mmm, tough one. Milk.

5. Did you give anything up for Lent?
I tried... I lasted 24 days with no chocolate before caving into a massive sugar binge.

My plan to get loads done today has not worked out so far. I was going to get up about 8, pack my stuff for going home today, do ironing, then go to fat club, then swimming, then town, before driving the 45 miles home/to get my hair cut at 4.30.

Instead, I surfaced about an hour ago, and I'm still in my pyjamas having just eaten some toast and a packet of doritos for breakfast. I'm about to eat a cream egg too, so probaby just as well I didn't make it to fat club as that has pretty much been my attitude to dieting all week.

Ooh, and my flatmate (yes the one I have spent many a blog slagging off for moving her boyfriend in) has bought me an easter present. A big Lindt Bunny and three little ones. Yum. Now I feel bad that I didn't get her an easter egg.

Suppose I really should pack and get ready. I seem to spend a lot of time packing as I'm always off home for the weekend, or like last week, we went to Newcastle. And next week, I'll be going home for a few days and then on holiday, so looks like I'll have a fun week getting organised!!

Which reminds me I need to go get my Euros and Insurance. And find my passport.

I take a day off work and this is exciting/productive as it gets! Oh well, I have all weekend to make up for it.

If I don't blog before, have a happy easter!!

I got a phone call the other day. The woman started off by saying she was calling on behalf of my old Uni and would I mind answering a few questions.

I thought it was a survey. She suckered me in by asking if having a degree helped me get the job I'm in now, and if I would say I was reasonably happy with my current employment situation. In other words, a way to find out if I was in a well paid graduate job and then guilt me into giving them money.

She said they were ringing up people who had graduated in the past few years to see if they would donate money to help poor unfortunate students from deprived areas. For just £1 a week, you could help provide food/clothing and liver damage to a disadvantaged student.

I politely informed the woman that I'm sorry, but as I'll be paying £50 a month off my student loan for the rest of my life, I can't possibly spare another £4 on top of that.

Neither of my parents were working when I started Uni. We lived on a council estate, hardly the ghetto but considered a 'deprived' area all the same, one from which very few actually make it past infant school, let alone to Uni. I got my tuition fees paid for (with tax payers money so I can't really complain)but I didn't get any other help. I didn't qualify for various grants, mainly just because I lived in the wrong part of the country.

I hardly went out at uni, I couldn't afford to. I got on and did my work, and when I left and was finally earning a full time wage, then I let my hair down and spent a large proportion of it on doing the things I wish I could have done at Uni. Mainly, drinking.

Now, I've got a fairly decent job, I can treat myself now and again but I'm hardly rolling in it. Things will be tight when I'm renting my own place and there's no way I can afford to buy a house.

So perhaps I should be more considerate to those in the same situation, and I was lucky enough to go to uni before they introduced the latest tuition fee system, but I still think it's a bit cheeky.

Ask me again in ten years. If I have my own house and have paid off my student loan by then I may reconsider.

On second thoughts, that's unlikely to have happened so don't waste the cost of the phonecall.

I seem to be having a major relapse over THE EX at the moment. I've only seen him once since our major fall out at new year, and for a change we didn't end up together. Just made awkward conversation.

Anyway, that was a while ago. He just keeps popping up in my head. I think its around any kind of seasonal event - Christmas, Easter, bank holidays... usually he is out in town on these events, so I have a nervous sick feeling that I'll see him, as I am usually back home and out on the town at those times too. Plus I can kind of chart our history from them.

Last year, two week's before Easter he told me he'd never felt the way he did about me for anyone else, that he felt that he could be himself with me, and that I 'got' him. A week before Easter, I broke up with my boyfriend (technically he broke up with me but I wasn't cut up about it long) and that night I went round to the EX's. A week later - Easter - the EX walks into the club I'm in with the girl he's been seeing. A girl I happened to already have an intense dislike of. He'd not mentioned he was seeing anyone, he'd told me all that crap about how he felt about me, then he chose her. I gave him yet another chance, but he chose her.

The Easter before, I remember having to avert a fight between him and a guy I was talking too. It was jealousy - he didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me.

So I'm concerned that I'm going to bump into him this weekend. He'll be with some girl and that will ruin my night. Or, he'll be all over me as if nothing's happened, and I'll feel even worse afterwards that I've let him do that to me again. Though I think it will most likely be the former.

Plus it's nearly three years since we first met. Three years - we never even got off the ground, all I got was a whole lot of hassle. This shouldn't be a time to reminisce, it should be a time to just cut my losses and move on.

As I keep telling myself. Maybe one day, I'll start to listen.

Newcastle was really good at the weekend. Wasn't a wild one or anything, just went for a meal and then hit a few bars. Got quite drunk and confessed to one of my colleagues that I have a crush on the canteen boy and I quite like a guy in the IT department too.

Got my sailor outfit sorted. Got a blue pleated skirt and a stripy vest top. Just need a hat now. Actually, I ended up with two blue skirts as the first one was a panic buy. Too short, too tight. Then I found the perfect one in matalan for 6 quid so I got that too.

Off work now until Tuesday. Supposed to be going fat club tomorrow morning but as I've eaten more than my body weight in chocolate in the past week and really want a lie in tomorrow, I don't think I'll bother.

Got so much to do, going Newcastle today and need to pack my stuff, wash my hair, have some dinner and clean out my car by 1pm. And work out how to pump up my tyres. I'm going with three women from work, so it should be quite interesting, a different crowd.

Currently, I'm still in my dressing gown, despite having been up for an hour. My room is a tip so that is stressing me out, though it will have to wait until I am back tomorrow to be cleaned. Though it probably won't be, it will stay like that for another week at least.

I saw the new boy yesterday. I think I shall call him Canteen Boy. Even though he doesn't work there anymore, that's the only place I've ever seen him. We didn't speak. Though we weren't really within speaking distance. I tried to catch his eye, but he was oblivious.

Oh, and more news on the Toy Boy (who I haven't seen for a while, mainly because I haven't been to the gym in a while or for a night out here) his Facebook status now reveals he is once again single. Not that it really makes any difference to me. He wasn't interested before he had a girlfriend. Plus I have a new victim crush.

The sailor dress is being sent back. And as I can't find another one online that looks like it would cover my underwear, I'm going to make my own.

I'm going to Newcastle tomorrow, and I'm holding out hope that I can find a suitable, cheap blue or white dress in primark. Which I can then make into a slightly-more-flattering-if-a-bit-half-hearted sailor girl costume.

A bit of ribbon, some buttons with anchors on which I've already ordered off ebay, and I'm trying - but failing- to find a couple of large anchor motifs that I can sew on the skirt. A sailor hat from the fancy dress shop and some white heels (hopefully also from newcastle tomorrow) and I'm sorted.

Hope it doesn't look too... home-made.

1. How many candles do you have burning at any given time??
I don't really burn candles very often. Occasionally one. As I can't keep an eye on more than one at a time, and will most likely burn the place down. I think that fear comes from never being allowed candles at my parent's house.

2. Do you love to get given Easter eggs??
Of course. The more the better.

3. Wine or vodka??
Both. Not all together though.

4. Do you say dinner, tea or supper when talking about your evening meal?
Tea.

5. What is your favourite sandwich??
Turkey and stuffing sandwich. Yum.

I had a really good day today. Unfortunately that feeling hasn’t lasted.

I spent the day – almost ten hours from half 7 this morning – in the newspaper office. I arranged to go there to see how the newsroom works and how they put the paper together. It will help with my assignment. Plus it was really interesting, seems like a really good place to work.

I even managed to get my photo in the newspaper – they do a vox pop thing every day asking half a dozen people a different question. Today, it was about it you would be putting a bet on the Grand National. I said No, but I might take part if the office have a sweepstake again this year.

So I’ve had a really good day seeing how it all works. It’s definitely an area I’m interested in, although I’m not sure if hard hitting journalism is really my thing, and I don’t know if I could hack the early starts and long hours! I’m going to write an article for their reader’s column though and see if their interested in printing that. Fingers crossed.

I did embarrass myself at one point though. I got up and had to walk out of the office, but my foot had gone to sleep so I did some stupid limp in front of everyone, looked like I was a bit special.

After that I went to pick up my sailor girl outfit from the post office. It’s awful. It’s too tight round the waist and too big round the bust. And I’m an E cup so it’s not like I can’t fill out a top. It was the only one that looked half decent though, I might have to order a bigger size and just sew the top in a bit. Plus I’ll have to wear tights or legging even though it will be warm as my legs are fat and horrible. And instead of making me want to really stick to my diet and lose a few pounds before I go, it made me feel rubbish and eat a packet of biscuits. And a Bounty. And that’s before my tea.

My mood instantly dampened as soon as I got home though, even before I tried on the outfit. I wasn’t even sure if he was here, but just knowing that at some point he would be made me instantly irritable as soon as I walked through the door. I’ve just heard him now and I’ve been back for over an hour and spoke to my flatmate in that time so I don’t know if he was in her room all the time or has just came in. It just frustrates me that I don’t know who is in my home and when.

On the plus side, I got a letter from the housing association to say that my registration has went through and I’m in band 2. There are three bands depending on how high priority they think you are. I’m not pregnant or homeless, so I’m not in band 1, but I’ve got more chance of getting a house than those in band 3, who have no real need to move. So that's something, I guess.