Kizzy

Fancy dress was not created for fatties. This is the outfit I've ordered for the hen party. Unfortunately I don't have a figure like the girl in the picture, so I've no idea what it will look like on me. It was the best of a bad bunch - everything else was even shorter and more revealing, not what I want with my tree trunk legs. Not when the other girls are all little sticks.

*panic*

Finished my first assignment. Well, save for a few references that I need, which I'll look up at the library tomorrow.

Now I'm going to have some tea and a well deserved cider.

Before I start on my next assignment.

Oh, and I need to look for a sailor girl outfit.

It's so lovely outside, I'm getting quite excited - but don't want to get my hopes up that it's going to stay like this!

Nearly had a fit then, my laptop said there was a problem with the system disc, and to insert a new one.

I then realised it's because I had tried to start it with the USB stick still in.

It's started so panic over.

Though I don't understand why a little box comes up to warn me that I have 17 and a half minutes of battery left, and then the laptop promptly shuts itself down after 30 seconds.

I need to get my assignment finished.

*sigh*

No work so far today, though I have washed my car. When I say washed, it's not really looking any cleaner. Dirtier, even, in some places due to the streaking. Next time I'll just take it to the car wash.

This is only the second time I've washed it since I got it last August. Not that Little Bastard deserves to be washed after all the hassle it's caused me. Maybe if I treat it nicer it won't break down at any more roundabouts.

I decided to wash my car on my way out to the supermarket, so I wasn't really dressed for the occassion and have spilt water all down my jeans. Which was really my neighbours fault, as she was hanging around when I came downstairs with the bucket of water and made me jump, spilling water everywhere. Not that I'm scared of an 80 year old woman, but she's always moaning at us about our floorboards being too squeaky, and making too much noise when we walk! As if we can really help that!

I can't be bothered getting changed. Plus I've just realised that the clocks have went forward and I was thinking it was only half one when it's actually half 2, so I should really get a move on.

As if it wasn't bad enough that I am mid assignment, and cannot seem to provide adequate information in the miserly 800 word limit they've given me (it's not hard to write 800 words, but 800 meanigful words, that meets the assignment criteria, is another thing entirely) but then HE comes in.

And now it's not so much just him that annoys me, but both of them. They are taking over the kitchen just as I want to go make my tea. Unreasonable of me, I know, of course she's going to be around, it's her flat too. But because he pisses me off so much I just want the pair of them to fuck right off.

He was here earlier and although he wasn't in the same room, I could hear him talking. And that was pissing me off. I hate his stupid voice and the way he grunts and coughs all the time. And now he's back and in the kitchen. Grunting and coughing. And pissing me off.

I can't wait to get my own place. I CAN'T WAIT.

After having sat in front of a computer for most of the day at work, since getting home about half 5 I've been sitting on the floor of the living room, laptop on coffee table, half working on my assignment, half watching Shameless/Angel/Hollyoaks.

So for the last 8 hours I've been sat here. I don't know why I'm surprised, that's not unusual. Well, it's unusual for me to have done any work, not for me to sit in front of the tv for 8 hours.

And I've still not got that much done. Maybe I should try again tomorrow without the tv. At least for a couple of hours anyway.

Now it is most definitly bed time. Back to the grindstone tomorrow.

Working on my assignment and watching Shameless. And blogging.

Probably not that clever but I am actually making some progress.

Some.

Should get back to work really.

I'm feeling sick after scoffing 3 easter cakes. Which are basically just very sickly chocolate cakes with a mini egg on the top.

And feeling very disappointed in myself. Need to get my act together if I'm going to lose some weight. I just love food too much. Oink.

Not done any work today either, despite my intention to go to the library after work. And it's not open tomorrow evening. The library here is rubbish, it closes at 8 through the week, 4 on a friday and is closed all weekend except for 3 hours on a Saturday morning. The one at my old uni was open 24/7. Handy for pulling all nighters near deadlines. Not that I can do that much with a 9-5 job to go to, but at weekends it would be useful.

Instead I need to work at home this weekend, and try not to get distracted by sky. Or the internet. Or food. Or bed. Or ironing. Or anything else I can think of that would be more fun than actually sitting down and getting my assignment written. That would be everything then.

Now and again, there’s a guy who works in my staff canteen. I’ve noticed this because a) the usual canteen crew are the dopiest bunch I’ve ever come across, and b) there’s a serious lack of talent where I work, so any guy in my vague age range with no obvious deformities hits my radar.

Anyway, I’ve noticed him. He’s always quite friendly, service with a smile and all that. However, he never quite made from blip on the radar to full on batting my eyelashes crush. It’s snobbery on my part, wondering what people would think about me dating the canteen guy. It’s never stopped me before. But then my friends are used to my taste, with colleagues it’s different.

Then yesterday this well hot guy walked into the canteen for lunch. It took me a good five minutes of blatant staring to work out where I recognised him from. It was indeed the canteen guy, suited and booted, and my, he does scrub up well. Nearly didn’t recognise him without his chef whites. He must have got a job elsewhere in the organisation. And all of a sudden he’s much more than a blip.

I don’t even know his name. The extent of our conversation so far has consisted of me asking him for an egg and cress sandwich on white bread, and him asking if I want butter on that. Clearly we have a connection.

And watching Angel. Is it wrong I’m developing a little crushage on Spike? I don’t usually go for blondes. Gingers usually my thing. Maybe he’s a natural ginger, that would explain it.

I figure the quicker I eat the box of Heroes I have, the quicker they will be gone and I can get on with the diet, instead of them taunting me from the cupboard.
There is method in my greediness.

I could, or course, have given them away. But that would be a stupid idea, so don’t suggest it.

Except now I’ve made myself feel a little bit sick.

I know, I know, serves me right.

Went to fat club today. I've lost 1 and a half pounds this week, despite my chocolate/biscuit/cider/vodka binge over the weekend. That makes four pounds so far. Slow progress, but progress none the less.

I only have four weeks until my holiday. Countdown to bikini time. It's not so much the bikini I'm worried about though. It's more what I'm going to wear the rest of the time. We are going out dressed as sailor girls one night, I need to find an outfit that's flattering. If thats possible with my thunder thighs. Oh well I'm sure there will be worse sights in Benidorm.

*shudder*

Friday was really not my day.

I went to the dentist and it's the same one who botched up my filling last time, when he ended up having to drill it out and do it again, and then it got infected and I had to take antibiotics. Now I need to have another one, my second filling.

Not impressed.

And, as if in some rebellious gesture to make my teeth even worse, I gave in on the whole no chocolate for lent thing. 24 days in and I weakened. And not just a sneaky nibble. No, four biscuits in the space of 5 minutes, followed by several more yesterday and some mini eggs and even more biscuits today.

I'm so going to get another lecture at fat club tomorrow.

Drunk blogging last night was probably not a good idea. Could have been worse though. HE wasn't out, his ex was though, the one he chose over me. She kept looking me up and down. Bitch.

At least I was wearing something nice, I'd treated myself to a new outfit, a nice grey skirt with a bow and a black vest. And some nice very high shiny black shoes. Just because I felt like treating myself. I deserve it. I also bought some fingerless lace gloves, very Lady Ga Ga. But, to quote my friend:

'You look like you're open for business. Er... I mean, you look like you mean business.'

Me: 'Are you saying I look like a hooker?'

Him: 'Well, no...but you look like you're after some serious sex.'

I decided to leave them at home. I think they were a bit too much for a night out back home. Maybe here I'll blend in a bit more, won't feel quite as self conscious.

Its just as well I don't have his number in my phone anymore. Because all I want after nights out is to text him. Actually all I want is to be with him but failing that I just want to text him and see how he is. But I can't and that is for the best even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes. I can't help it. After everything that has gone on I still want him.

So I really want to move out now. I just need my own space, free of annoying flatmates and their boyfriends.

I've filled in an application for a housing association. More affordable than renting privately, but will probably takes ages to get anywhere through them. I won't be considered high priority, as I'm not homeless/jobless/pregnant. But it's worth a try. Available houses are advertised every week and I can put my name down for the ones I'm interested in/can afford. Then I just have to hope no one who is in a higher priority banding than me has put their name forward for it. Bit of a long shot.

Off work tomorrow. Got the dentist.

God I really want some chocolate right now. There's a box of heroes on my room and I'm really resisting the urge to just go scoff the lot.

So the weekend was a little messy.

It's catching up with me now.

I've just worked out that I've spent 18 hours of my weekend in the pub. Drink in hand. That's probably quite tame compared to some people. Like alcos.

However, our drunken antics seemed a lot less funny today. I found out that a guy I knew from school was out last night, and died after choking on his vomit.

He was 25, and had just opened his own business in our hometown.

Just after I heard, I walked out of the cafe and straight into one of his really good mates, who had just found out about half hour before. He was in shock, I don't think either of us knew what to say. Nothing seemed quite sufficient.

I've not seen much of him in the past few years, we hung out in the same crowd in sixth form, we were Facebook friends (like many other people from school) and would exchange small talk on the odd occassion we'd bump into each other. Still, it's a shock, when something like that happens to someone you know. Someone the same age. Someone with so much ahead of them.

Last night was messy. This morning was messier. Was so sick then dragged myself together to make it out for dinner at half 2. Despite being the roughest I've been in a long time. Now I'm in the pub having been drinking for the past few hours. Updating from my phone if you were wondering. So I think tomorrow is going to be equally as messy. Good job I'm off work.

Still haven't moved off the sofa since I said I was considering it about an hour and a half ago.

Though I really want a cup of tea now so think I'll have to make a move.

I've got all sorts I should be doing.

But I'm finding it hard to drag myself up off the sofa right now.

I should be tackling that mahoosive pile of ironing. More like three piles of ironing. And packing my stuff to go home for the weekend. And getting started on my assignment. And tidying my room.

Or maybe I should just be in bed sleeping off this cold.

Maybe I'll just finish watching Grey's Anatomy and then I'll get started.

I have a bright red nose. And not a plastic comic relief one. An actual red nose, from this bastard cold.

And a face full of spots.

I'm not impressed.

And I want to eat everything in sight. Struggling with the diet this week, big style.

I've got a bastard cold.

And I'm not in the mood for it at all.

I'm all snotty and yakky.

It's clearly because I've been swimming three mornings in a row. All that exercise, early mornings and healthy eating (minus the biscuit fest last night) is playing havoc with my body. It's not used to it and is rebelling.

That and the fact I always get a bastard cold.

My plans to go to the cinema have been cancelled and my friend is coming round her instead. I shall try to stay at a safe distance and not infect her with my yakkiness.

She the one who's boyfriend is the gangly one with the 'tach. Through whom I met the Toy Boy. At bowling last week, she mentioned the Toy Boy's new girlfriend to my flatmate, and then freaked out that I might have overheard. I hadn't, but I already knew he has a girlfriend, thanks to that wonderful stalking tool Facebook. She thinks I'll be so devastated and doesn't want to be the one who breaks the news. I wonder if she'll mention it tonight.

Been to fat club today. Lost 2 pounds. Woo hoo. Only 28 more to go...

At the moment, counting points and planning my food for the day is a bit of a novelty. It's still hard though. I just have to stay motivated, and not get bored as I usually do.

I'm determined to achieve my new year 'goals' this year. All 7 of them.

Got woken up at 5am this morning, by my niece wanting to get into bed with me. Managed to persuade her to go back to bed, and she did... until 7am when she decided she was going to get up and make as much noise as possible so I had no choice but to get up.

It was her birthday party yesterday. My sister tried to get me to do some party games. I refused. No way was I going to play Simon Says with a group of hyperactive 5 year olds. They would have literally run rings round me. My mum said it would be good practice. For what exactly? I'm not planning on ever being in a situation were I have to entertain 30 kids.

Bang went the diet, I stopped counting 'points' after about a dozen mini sausage rolls. My sister had made her a cake shaped like Peppa Pig, it was awesome - would have been rude not to eat a piece. Or three. Oink oink indeed. However I didn't eat any chocolate. I absent-mindedly put a smartie in my mouth but realised and spit it out. Classy. But determined.

Well at least I made 20 quid out of babysitting last night, even if I did get an early morning wake up call!

Going to drag my tired self to the supermarket now and then to the gym. A productive Sunday afternoon.

Just been bowling. Never been to that bowling ally before, but now I have I know where all the guys in town hide on a Friday. I'd wondered where they all were.

Not that it's exactly the place to meet a bloke, not unless I want one dressed in a tracksuit with missing teeth. There were few women - all with kids in tow. Me and my friend walked in and it was as if they sensed we were new there. Fresh meat. Walking straight into the pack.

We kept our heads down and avoided eye contact, while we waited for our other mates to turn up. It wasn't so bad. Except for the slightly sticky seats and getting knocked over by kids everywhere we turned.

I like bowling, don't go nearly enough (Apart from last weekend, I went to one back home for the first time in ages) but tonight's experience isn't really making me want to go back there. I lost anway.

Then, my friend's boyfriend and his mate turned up. He's...unique. There is no explaining him, he's got to be seen to be believed. Like a hyperactive 70 year old in a 16 year old body (He's 27). Tells 'dad' jokes, and even does the 'dad' dancing. He's hard work to make conversation with, and I tend to lose the will to live after about 2 minutes. Harmless, and perfect for my friend, but not my cup of tea at all. At least with a couple of blokes with us we didn't get gawked at quite so much on the way out, though someone did still try to talk to me. He was probably going to ask me for some change, or if I'd seen his missing tooth, but I wasn't going to take any chances.

Oh and I went out for tea, totally messed up the diet today. It's going to be a pretty sorry affair if I can't even lose any weight in my first week at fat club! Still, I haven't had any chocolate in the past ten days, that's something. Never thought I'd last this long.

Whenever it's this cold, my room lets in a draft. Its freezing. I get up about 4am to check the heating but the dial bit has fell off the front of the boiler, as it seems to like doing. So when it does that, the heating doesn't come on. Couldn't be bothered to scrat around in all the junk at the bottom of the cupboard for the dial so I could fix it and went back to my cold cold bed.

When I finally dragged myself out of my bed and into the chilly air this morning, the shower decided to be a little bitch and only reach a pitiful luke warm spray. It's rubbish, we've only had it in a week to replace our other one that broke. In the same week as my straighteners and laptop broke, not having much luck lately am I?

Then my frickin' hair dryer decided to die on me.

And I've just looked out the window and there's frost on my car.

And I'm going to be even later to work than usual as I a) have to de-ice my car and b) decided I needed to vent on here.

Went to my first 'self help for fatties' meeting today. Not quite Little Britain style, but an experience none the less.

I didn't have to stand up and say 'My name is Kizzy and I'm a fat bastard'. We did have to all clap for other people who had lost half a stone, or a stone though.

It wasn't too bad. Other than the fact that I weigh half a stone more on their scales than mine, so I'm even heavier than I thought.

It's all too much effort for my liking, and I do like love my food.

But I'm the heaviest I've been for nearly four years, so I really should do something before it gets out of hand.

Sigh.

I might just finish off these biscuits first. Start the diet tomorrow.

The Toy Boy has a girlfriend.

Facebook politely informed me he is 'in a relationship'.

How rubbish. Though clearly nothing was ever going to happen there anyway.

Shame.