Kizzy

The guy from last weekend (I really need to come up with a blog name for him) has just rang me. I didn't answer. I think I might just text him in about ten mins and say sorry I missed his call, I've had a really busy weekend and I'm off to bed now.

Which is exactly what I am going to do right now.

So... the guy from last weekend has been texting me. I wasn't too fussed at first, but he got a bit more talkative so I was coming round to the idea of meeting him this week. That's until he rang me at quarter past 11 on Thursday, and when I didn't answer (as I was trying to sleep) he text me 2 minutes later. And then he text me again, 5 minutes after that, asking if he had done something wrong.

I just don't have time for all that malarky. I didn't reply, and I've not heard anything else from him since.

Last night I went home for the weekend and went out for some early birthday celebrations. I figure there's nothing I can do about getting old, might as well celebrate it in style.

Ended up kissed Married Man (no-longer-married man). He was wearing vest. I think it was part of a fancy dress outfit. I hope, anyway.

I did meet a really nice guy who was there for the night from Durham. We chatted for a while and when he asked where was best to go, I told him about the one and only night club, and he said they would go there later on. So I kept a look out for him and I never seen him.

Was a good night out, though my head and feet hurt a lot by the end of it. I hadn't been feeling right all day, I don't think the alcohol helped! Was quite rough this morning!

Hello everyone.

It is a bit warm.

I've decided I'm not really a summer person. Ok, I hate it when it's really freezing and I can't get warm, especially when it's too cold to get out of bed in the morning, or its 2am on a saturday night and I'm standing waiting for a taxi in sub zero temperatures.

But so far summer isn't really going to well for me. I can't sleep because it's too warm, and I've had a bad head for a week. I just feel yak.

But even worse, are the spiders.

HUGE spiders. Everywhere.

Yesterday I picked up a glass to wash and there was a massive spider inside. I dropped it into the water and ran screaming from the kitchen.

Last week, I trapped one under a washing up bowl and put a catalogue on the top to weigh it down so it wouldn't squeeze underneath, until my flatmate could get it the next day.

I have spider paranoia. I have to check my bed for spiders before I get in, and the bathroom before I close the door.

I know I should just be pleased that we are actually getting a summer this year, but I'm just grumpy. And tired. And really don't feel well. And seem unable to function at work or to do any study.

Not blogged for a week. Feels like ages.

Went out last Friday night with work. Met a guy... and we swapped numbers, he has rang and text asking if he can 'take me out sometime', but I really don't know.

He was quite good looking. I think.

He just doesn't seem to have much crack.

In other news, I'm off to London next week for an awards ceremony. One of the teams at work is up for an award and I put their application together for them, so me and 9 other women are off to London to a fancy do and staying overnight. Should be good though as ever I'm panicking over what to wear.

...and born to rock. As my t-shirt says. That's what I wore to 80s night yesterday, complete with leggings, fingerless gloves and big pink earrings.

I don't really have any good photos either, sorry!

It was a good night, went with a couple of people from work. And their partners but I didn't feel like the odd one out or anything. One of the women, she's really nice, but she can be hard work sometimes. You know when you feel like you've got to explain yourself all the time, like your choices and stuff. Especially when she's had a couple of drinks.

Argh I'm watching big brother and its really making me angry. Some people are just so annoying!!!

Been a busy day. Productive though.

Stayed at my parents last night, had to take my car in for an MOT, then help out at a work conference in the next town all day. I must have ran up and down the stairs about 50 times.

Went to pick up my car afterwards and it cost me £187. Stupid cars cost so much money. I drove into two tyres stacked up at the front of the garage too, ha. Was embarressing. I'd already knocked a load of stuff on the floor at the conference, spilt blackcurrant juice on the hotel's white table cloth and tripped over a loose bit of carpet with two cups of tea in my hands.

Bit of a clumsy day!

Then I drove the 45 miles back here. And went to give blood, which is always an ordeal. That's twice this year, and I've made an appoinment for the next one in October so I'm 2/3 the way there to completing at least one of my new year resolutions (to give blood regularly).

After that I went to matalan and managed to get my outfit sorted for another 80s night this weekend.

I started this blog one year ago today, with this post.

225 posts later and here I am.

Just thought I would share that with you.

Bye for now.

Went out on Friday. There was an exhibition of student graphic design and photography work at the local University, so went there with a friend and then out for food and a few drinks. I say a few, I got quite drunk.

Was a good night, I enjoyed just doing something a bit differnt, going to the exhibition, and just having a chilled out night. Plus I hardly ever go out here, I usually go out back home at the weekend.

Which is where I ended up last night. Wasn't planning on drinking as I really need to save some money, so was just going to drive. However, I bought myself a new dress, leggings and a necklace so thought as I'd failed to not spend any money I might as well go all out and spend even more on a night out. A bit of backwards logic.

Plus I don't think I would have had a very good night if I'd been sober, not after the week I've had, and I felt really self conscious about how I looked and I just felt like I needed a few drinks to take the edge off. For some reason I just had a really bad feeling that something bad was going to happen.

When we first went out I felt really uncomfortable, I just felt so self conscious and paranoid. And, my friend was trying to subtly tell me that some girl who doesn't like her and her friend had been stood next to us, but her name is similar to the EX's, and when trying to lip read in a noisy bar, and when she was looking so serious as if something really bad had happened, I thought that's what she said. That he was at the bar with a girl. I spent the next ten minutes shaking and feeling sick, until I worked out from following conversations that she hadn't been talking about him.

I felt so bad I was considering just going home but I'm pleased I stuck it out, I had a really good night once I'd got over that.

I didn't get very drunk though, as I seem to be getting quite depressed when drunk. I'm ok in town, but it's when I get home it hits me. So last night I was ok.

Seen Cricket Boy. I accidently caught his eye on a couple of occassions, and I just turned away. He was stood near me for a while, then all of a sudden he just came up behind me and grabbed me round the waist, and said 'Come on, dance with me'. I pulled away from him and congratulated him. He asked what for, and I just replied 'The wedding'.

He was so not impressed, he shook his head and walked off. It was so funny.

I'm going on holiday. Three of my friends decided to go to Spain, and a couple of hours later it was booked. Not for 8 weeks, but I can't wait. Really need to get away from here. And somewhere with sun, all the better.

Can't afford it, but it just means when I (eventually) move, I'll have to sit on a deckchair for a couple of months till I save up enough for a sofa. Ah, who needs furniture.

So I'm feeling a bit better that I have something to look forward to, though the whole weight thing is going to be an issue, that might bring it down a bit but I'm going to try and not obsess about it.

Seen 2 flats this evening. No good. And it's not me being fussy, my friend from work came with me and she thought they weren't up to much either. The first one, the bedroom was barely big enough to fit in my bed. It would have went wall to wall, no room for a wardrobe or any other furniture. So, I shall continue to scour the letting ads in the paper every friday.

Got a sore throat, hope I'm not coming down with something. I don't have time to be ill. Though having said that, a couple of days in bed may well sort me out. But considering I was out of the office for most of today and had 40 emails to deal with when I got back, probably not a good idea. Maybe I'm coming down with pig flu.

Haven't even booked the time off work for the holiday, as it was all a bit of a rush. Hopefully it will be ok though. It will have to be.

God I'm such a moan, it started off so well with the holiday news and then I just whine about house hunting, work and being ill! What I really mean to say is that I feel a little better, despite the other stuff.

I just can't cope.

There, I said it. I can't imagine I'll be able to say those words in 'real life', so I just have to let it all out in blog-land.

Everything just seems to be too much at the moment. There's too much to do at work. I'm good at my job, and I'm good at the things I get time to do, but there's so much going un-done because theres physically not enough time to do it all. And just when I think I'm making a dent, and get one project finished, I get 5 more to do. That's not even an exaggeration, I wish it was.

My bosses know there's too much, they work part time and are feeling the strain too, often having to put in extra hours. But I'm the one who is there all week and has to take on what they don't get finished. We managed to get a part time admin person, who I fear may go off with stress herself because she's claiming she has too much to do. I give her work to do, I'm not giving her an unreasonable amount, I've been more than fair but of course when she faffs around and doesn't get it done, I have to do it myself.

I've got my appraisal coming up soon and I don't know how I'm not going to burst into tears when we have to talk about how I'm coping. They think I'm very laid back about the whole thing, they have no idea.

I'm in tears now just thinking about it. And its not just work, I'm feeling really shit about myself at the moment. I've put on loads of wieght and I know it's my own fault and I could do something about it if I really tried, but I just can never stick at it.

I've found myself getting increasingly angry at myself and the way I look, the way I act, the way other people perceive me. I've been here before, I know these feelings and I've got the scars to remind me (albeit only a few, I stopped myself before it got out of hand). However, its always been there, simmering away, ready to surface when things go wrong. And I have given in to this to some extent.

I was just drying my hair before and I just burst into tears and started shaking from head to toe for no particular reason. I just need to get a grip, I need to sort it out. It just seems like every area of my life needs sorting out.

I just want to get out of this flat, find somewhere on my own and that will be one less thing to bother me. Plus I've just got my next lot of assignments so I need to get a start on those soon so I don't have any deadline drama like last time. I propbably still will, not matter how early I start!

Anyway, sorry to be all depressive, but I do feel better now I have taken it out on my keyboard and got that all out.